28 down.

It has been exactly 6 months since the last time I blogged. January 7, 2010 was a day for me to reflect on the year that had passed. I reflected on all that had made it great, the things that did not and made the grand promises of blogging constantly, staying positive, and being happy. Well like most resolutions that happen either in a new year or other reasons, those really didn't pan out. I was happy, when I didn't let the little shit get me down. I was positive when I didn't let the little shit get me down. Oh, and I just didn't blog. I sat down to write blogs and I even have 10 or so really good starts...but alas, no blog. 


This morning I woke up and I finally thought I might have something that I could finish. I might be in a place to hold the promises I make true to myself in this all to embarrassing online diatribe I have started. I was wrong. I sat down, giggled a little at the thought and then went on as if the blog was going to be something that I thought I would do but it didn't work. Maybe one of the biggest reasons that my blogs never leave the editing stage lately is that they are either too personal and I don't want to put that out in cyber world or (and probably more likely) they don't seem good enough. I am never happy enough with my writing, so like so many other things in my life I gave up the writing in order not to be disappointed. 


It has been exactly 6 months. Some things have changed, others have stayed the same. Listing them won't make them better or different...but I think I have learned a lot in the last 6 months. I have learned that some people are snakes, some people are good friends, some people can be cruel, some people are amazing. I have learned that my job gives me opportunities some only dream possible and that it is a huge blessing to work with and teach the people I teach...but that going home frustrated some days is just something I will have to accept- nothing is perfect. I have learned that for as mature as I think I am sometimes I have a lot of growing up to do. I have learned that even though some people are physically still here you might have already lost them. I have learned that there are times when it is right to stand on your own to feet and other times that there is nothing wrong with sticking beside your friends and family. 
Most important, I have learned that I am who I am. I must stop apologizing. I am awkward and emotional and sensitive. I am smart and funny and have a slight case of OCD. I don't have everything figured out even though I pretend I do, i don't always know what I am doing even though I pretend I do, I am not always right even though I wish I was. But, my true friends and family know all of this and love me anyway. Maybe that is the biggest lesson of all- true friends and true family don't care what you know, who you know, what you look like, what you have- they just want you to be you. 


It has been 6 months since I last wrote. I might finally be ready to grow up, because I can't keep waiting for someone to do it for me. Because on this day, 6 months later, I am turning 28. I might not have all I want- but I have enough. I will keep trying to figure out the rest. I will screw up- there is no doubt about that. I won't always say the right thing, I won't always do the right thing- but I will try and I have realized that will have to be enough. 


I guess my one birthday wish would be that all of those who look past all of my crazed idiosyncrasies, crazy emotional days, sometimes forgetful nature wrapped in an obsessive compulsive bow and just support me. Who knows why you do it. I am sure it is exhausting at times....but it isn't unappreciated or unnoticed. 


Recently I was reading a book (if you have read it this will sound familiar) in the hopes to find some inspiration I have been lacking. In this book the author writes a letter to God asking for his/her help dealing with a current conflict. Her friend that she let read the letter says, "I would sign that". In the hopes to inspire her friend they continue to name the people that would support her and sign her letter as if it were a petition. it was an act to give her permission to have hope and faith and remind herself that even in the darkest times there are people behind you. I loved this idea....except I wanted to add my new twist. Instead of writing God (especially because I don't know where I am with that and not sure I have the right to write to something I am not fully invested in). Instead I will write this: 


Dear World:


I am Karen. I am a constant work in progress. I love and hate, rejoice and scream. I am awkward and comfortable, still trying to figure out exactly who I am. I can be dramatic and sensitive but I am loyal and supportive. I make jokes at inappropriate times and cry for no reason at all. I lack confidence, but for the first time am not scared to say I was Teacher of the Year. I work too much, and too hard sometimes and then other times I procrastinate and I am lazy. I make promises I can't keep, I keep promises I probably shouldn't. I try, really hard to be a good person, and sometimes I fail. I talk loud, laugh hard, and love to say 'that's what she said'. I alphabetize, color coordinate and can't keep my car clean. I am an educator, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a citizen, and a crazy person (just ask my students). Did I mention I have a one-eyed dog named Ralphy? I am who I am. 


Would you sign? 




28 down, many more to go. 


Karen