Lambtastic

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Keep your head up....

I haven't written in in a long time... and this doesn't truly count. But it is a good message... especially for me.

http://www.vevo.com/video-evolved/andy-grammer/keep-your-head

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

It has been exactly 6 months since the last time I blogged. January 7, 2010 was a day for me to reflect on the year that had passed. I reflected on all that had made it great, the things that did not and made the grand promises of blogging constantly, staying positive, and being happy. Well like most resolutions that happen either in a new year or other reasons, those really didn't pan out. I was happy, when I didn't let the little shit get me down. I was positive when I didn't let the little shit get me down. Oh, and I just didn't blog. I sat down to write blogs and I even have 10 or so really good starts...but alas, no blog.

This morning I woke up and I finally thought I might have something that I could finish. I might be in a place to hold the promises I make true to myself in this all to embarrassing online diatribe I have started. I was wrong. I sat down, giggled a little at the thought and then went on as if the blog was going to be something that I thought I would do but it didn't work. Maybe one of the biggest reasons that my blogs never leave the editing stage lately is that they are either too personal and I don't want to put that out in cyber world or (and probably more likely) they don't seem good enough. I am never happy enough with my writing, so like so many other things in my life I gave up the writing in order not to be disappointed.

It has been exactly 6 months. Some things have changed, others have stayed the same. Listing them won't make them better or different...but I think I have learned a lot in the last 6 months. I have learned that some people are snakes, some people are good friends, some people can be cruel, some people are amazing. I have learned that my job gives me opportunities some only dream possible and that it is a huge blessing to work with and teach the people I teach...but that going home frustrated some days is just something I will have to accept- nothing is perfect. I have learned that for as mature as I think I am sometimes I have a lot of growing up to do. I have learned that even though some people are physically still here you might have already lost them. I have learned that there are times when it is right to stand on your own to feet and other times that there is nothing wrong with sticking beside your friends and family.
Most important, I have learned that I am who I am. I must stop apologizing. I am awkward and emotional and sensitive. I am smart and funny and have a slight case of OCD. I don't have everything figured out even though I pretend I do, i don't always know what I am doing even though I pretend I do, I am not always right even though I wish I was. But, my true friends and family know all of this and love me anyway. Maybe that is the biggest lesson of all- true friends and true family don't care what you know, who you know, what you look like, what you have- they just want you to be you.

It has been 6 months since I last wrote. I might finally be ready to grow up, because I can't keep waiting for someone to do it for me. Because on this day, 6 months later, I am turning 28. I might not have all I want- but I have enough. I will keep trying to figure out the rest. I will screw up- there is no doubt about that. I won't always say the right thing, I won't always do the right thing- but I will try and I have realized that will have to be enough.

I guess my one birthday wish would be that all of those who look past all of my crazed idiosyncrasies, crazy emotional days, sometimes forgetful nature wrapped in an obsessive compulsive bow and just support me. Who knows why you do it. I am sure it is exhausting at times....but it isn't unappreciated or unnoticed.

Recently I was reading a book (if you have read it this will sound familiar) in the hopes to find some inspiration I have been lacking. In this book the author writes a letter to God asking for his/her help dealing with a current conflict. Her friend that she let read the letter says, "I would sign that". In the hopes to inspire her friend they continue to name the people that would support her and sign her letter as if it were a petition. it was an act to give her permission to have hope and faith and remind herself that even in the darkest times there are people behind you. I loved this idea....except I wanted to add my new twist. Instead of writing God (especially because I don't know where I am with that and not sure I have the right to write to something I am not fully invested in). Instead I will write this:

Dear World:

I am Karen. I am a constant work in progress. I love and hate, rejoice and scream. I am awkward and comfortable, still trying to figure out exactly who I am. I can be dramatic and sensitive but I am loyal and supportive. I make jokes at inappropriate times and cry for no reason at all. I lack confidence, but for the first time am not scared to say I was Teacher of the Year. I work too much, and too hard sometimes and then other times I procrastinate and I am lazy. I make promises I can't keep, I keep promises I probably shouldn't. I try, really hard to be a good person, and sometimes I fail. I talk loud, laugh hard, and love to say 'that's what she said'. I alphabetize, color coordinate and can't keep my car clean. I am an educator, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a citizen, and a crazy person (just ask my students). Did I mention I have a one-eyed dog named Ralphy? I am who I am.

Would you sign?

28 down, many more to go.

Karen

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Responsibility...

Over the last week I have met many situations that deal with responsibility. Who truly holds responsibility for our actions? Recently, someone told me in regards to someone blaming someone else for their problems...how amazing it must be if to have so much control over someone that you make them do destructive things. More than that, how much power can someone have over another person to continue to do destructive things?

Not to say that I am perfect, because there have been times in my life that I have blamed something I didn't like about my life on someone else. BUT, I have never let it go for more than a short time until I have to take things into my own hands. I will say that there are a couple people in my life that I continually give emotional control over me that I don't want to give them and I struggle everyday to take back. In the end, I do try and be the one who takes responsibility for all the consequences both good and bad in my life. When a bill isn't paid, I didn't pay it; when the house isn't clean, I didn't clean it; when I have done something good or bad- I know that I did it.

I want my students to know the same thing. That their grades, their life, their destination is completely in their hands. They can spend a lifetime blaming people for their life and making excuses about their circumstances, but it will never get them anywhere but where they are - plus some additional bitter resentment.

Also, when you do make that "error in judgment", and life hands you the bad consequences that you deep down knew were coming - TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. Don't blame it on others and make good people (or even bad as the case may be) bear the burden. Apologize, go through the steps to rectify what you have done, and most importantly learn from it. Never blame others because you did something you know was wrong, you know you aren't proud of, and that you regret because of the consequences you currently face.

Responsibility is key to realizing that your own happiness lies within your reach- go take it.

Faith and Hope,

Karen

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Goodbye 2009, I am going to start to take my own advice.

What a year this has been. In some ways I could say I learned a lot about myself, and in others I would say that I have never felt so lost. It is a weird feeling of limbo. Things have changed, things have stayed the same-things have become more difficult, things have become easier...One thing is still for certain: every time I think that I have things figured out or that I got what I wanted - I don't and didn't. I always tell others to be positive, to be happy you are here, I think I need to remember that myself.

As I sat here in all that negative energy I read a post about how when we reflect we tend to be negative, dwell on the many things that were terrible or that were not accomplished. It also said that there were ten questions we could ask ourselves to see things differently. Here they are:

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself that will radically change your view on this past year.

1) Whom did I meet this year who is now in my life? I guess there were people that I knew before...I can't think of anyone I 'met'...but I can say that there are people that have become a solid foundation of my everyday life. People that I barely knew before who seem to know me better than anyone, people that I lost contact with who are now my best friends, people who seem to have become my family (and possibly a better family than I deserve.

2) What emotion really caused me to grow? Courage? Faith? I have definitely grown from anger and regret. Anger has caused me to see things more clearly, to be realistic and rational- and still up for myself. I have finally learned that creating a boundary is okay and that taking care of me is important. i have also realized that i need to have a little more faith in myself and in turn faith in the world around me. I would like to be more courageous...I will keep trying from that.
3) What emotion was I unafraid to feel? Fear? Sadness? Fear- I feared of losing people, losing myself, losing things I didn't even have. Fear that I let things pass me by or I couldn't change things or make them better or different. I have also grown from the support of people who seem to believe in me (even when I don't deserve it).
4) What am I most proud of? My students: who are the most amazing people ever. They always keep me guessing, but they are intelligent, humorous, exciting, sincere, supportive, generous, and spirited. I am proud that I might have anything to do with their success. I am proud of my friends, because they are amazing people. I am also proud of my brother and sister in law who have the greatest little family and the most beautiful son. Most of all...my sister, who has found her place and continues to excel.
5) In what area of my life did I really make some progress? Survival: I finally put up boundaries and I took control of things that I had lost control of long ago.

6) What did I do that completely surprised me and was unexpected to me? The little moments that take my breath away. There was also a moment when one of my students thanked me at her senior night. That moment, where she believed I drove her to be better, maybe me see that I might have an impact in some small way.
7) Whom did I really help? I hope someone...
8) What is the biggest lesson I really faced? You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need and that true friendship is measured in times of adversity.
9) What am I most grateful for? friends, family, my job and hope.
10) What were the most fun times I had? I think I should show them in pictures...see below:

If you are reading this and looking through the pictures...it probably means you are my friend or part of my family, or even both. Thanks for all the good times and for being such an amazing group of people to walk through this world with. Here is to a new year.

Karen